1. You don’t have to come up with a plan of action when you need to fart.
2. You’ll find it easier to make fun of the New York Times’ wedding announcements.
3. You don’t need to ask polite questions about anyone’s day.
4. …Or listen to their answers.
5. You are available if someone writes a cool “Missed Connections” about you.
6. You don’t have to be a plus one at someone else’s office Christmas party.
7. You can give your tampons better real estate.
8. You may have met your ex in a weird, awkward or embarrassing way and will no longer have to tell that story.
9. You don’t have to go on a 9:00 a.m. bus tour of your own city with someone else’s parents when they visit.
10. You can take showers for as long as you want (and, since the best ideas come when you’re in the shower, you just might cure cancer).
11. You can lick your fingers after eating Doritos without worrying about a horrified audience.
12. You get all the chocolates if you stay in a hotel that still puts them on pillows.
13. Your Facebook updates are less likely to make your friends gag.
14. Taylor Swift and Adele wrote their best songs after breakups. You might too.
15. You won’t get stuck in the bathroom with just one piece of toilet paper.
16. You won’t have to wipe yourself with just one piece of toilet paper.
17. You will be able to throw yourself into your work. This means you’ll probably end up getting a raise. (Congratulations!)
18. You can come home late and not stumble around in the dark when you get undressed.
19. You will save money by not going through couples’ therapy.
20. You no longer have to listen to someone else clipping their fingernails.
21. …Or toenails.
22. You don’t have to answer, “What time do you think you’ll be home?”
23. You don’t have to ask someone, “What time do you think you’ll be home?” and then worry when they’re not.
24. You don’t have to summarize the last four seasons of your favorite TV show for someone as you watch its finale.
25. You can put your hands up when you hear “All the single ladies…” and not feel like a fraud.
26. You can walk faster when you’re not holding someone’s hand.
September 30, 2014 //
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