By Emma Gray
If you haven’t heard of Thanksgivingukkah yet, the Internet has failed you. For the only time in 70,000 years, Thanksgiving and the first day of Hannukkah coincide, creating a glorious, new, hybrid holiday that rivals Seth Cohen’s Chrismukkah.
Thanksgivingukkah is bound to be a time of pure joy. There will be insanely delicious food (see here and here for proof), menorahs will mingle with cornucopias, and all will be right in the (Jewish American) world. Last year, we brought you eight tongue-in-cheek rules for Hannukkah sex. This year, we decided that they needed some updating in light of this miracle of a holiday.
Thus, we present to you the rules of Thanksgivingukkah sex. (After all, doing it is a mitzvah.)
1. Engage in some holiday-appropriate role-playing. One of you can be a pilgrim, the other a Maccabee. Feel free to trade off.
2. Have sex before you make your latkes — but after you put the turkey in the oven. A turkey takes a long time to bake, and you don’t want deep-fried potato pancake residue splattered all over you while you’re trying to be sexy.
3. If you’re into men and you’re flying solo this holiday season, consider fantasizing about Jon Stewart. He’s a nice Jewish boy — and Thanksgivingukkah also happens to be his birthday.
4. Take care of your birth control before you start the meal. You’ll likely be both tired (tryptophan) and tipsy (Manischewitz) by the time you head to bed.
5. Play strip spin the dreidel. This rule is from last year’s list, but we think it still stands. The Hebrew letter Gimel means take off all your clothes, Shin means put your clothing back on, Hei means take off half of your clothing and Nun means do absolutely nothing. If you’re watching some Thanksgiving football with your significant other, this is a great game to play during halftime.
6. Bring some cranberry sauce and chocolate gelt into the bedroom with you. You may permanently stain your sheets — but it’ll be a great excuse to up your thread count during all of the post-holiday sales.
7. Instead of a lung-destroying postcoital cigarette, we suggest indulging in an after-sex dessert. You’ll have your pick: jelly donut, pumpkin pie … or a donut stuffed with pumpkin pie filling. Mmm mmm good.
8. Name all the reasons you’re thankful for your partner — or at least eight of them, one for each night of Hannukkah. What’s a once-in-70,000 years holiday good for if not to remind how much you appreciate those you love?