In this informative Q&A session, Sexpert Tyomi answers some of our most reader requested health questions. In this video we will discuss “Foreplay Before Play”.
By Tyomi Morgan –Blackdoctor.org
A sexless marriage or relationship can lead to complications inside the bedroom and out, but it doesn’t have to be that way. Sometimes a relationship can experience slumps in sexual relations when one partner loses interest or desire, and more often than not women are usually the ones that place a hold on relations for various reasons. In my advice giving I come across many men who seek out my expertise in helping their ladies become interested in sex, and the techniques that I recommend are usually the same. If you are a man looking to help strike up desire in your relationship, here are a few of my simple techniques to get you started.
Make her feel safe.
She may sleep next to you on a nightly basis but she may not feel safe in expressing herself sexually when it’s time to bring out her freaky side. Upbringing, religious beliefs, past trauma and a lack of confidence can cause a woman to become closed off in the bedroom. If a woman doesn’t feel safe, her sexual energy will remain at a resting state and her body won’t open up. Create an atmosphere of safety and give her permission to open up and let go. Sometimes a simple word of permission can change the mood from hostile to relaxed. Let her know that it’s okay to unleash her freaky side with you. Make her feel safe and she will open up like a flower. If past trauma is getting in the way, suggest seeing a counselor together to help with healing and moving past old wounds.
Bring back romance.
Sometimes a woman can show a lack of interest in sex because of a lack of romance. Men don’t always need romance to be ready for erotic play, but women respond better when adoration and a bit of finesse are added into the mix. Make her feel special by setting up a romantic dinner, or by running a bubble bath accompanied with a little dessert and champagne. Romance in the midst of foreplay will help with getting her into the mood.
A candle lit massage with soft music and cuddling are great ways to help her relax from a long day and to make the switch from working woman to loving and engaged wife. It takes women longer to get into the mood than it does for men to be charged up and ready to go. Daily responsibilities can inhibit a woman’s libido from reaching a point of climatic plateau, so help her unwind from the day and approach her with romance before sex.
Buy her sexy little things.
Men in long term relationships commonly complain about their ladies showing a lack of effort in dressing sexy in the bedroom. Daily activities of working, parenting and even finishing out studies for a higher degree can leave a woman feeling exhausted and less enthusiastic about getting into a sexy mood. Women love gifts especially when they are bought with her interest in mind. Help her become inspired to dress sexy during intimate moments by surprising her with a sexy lingerie set accompanied with instructions. Taking the lead in striking up desire can remove the stresses of having to be sexually accommodating from her while she unwinds from the stresses of the day.
Talk to her about her needs.
Men can tend to be very demanding when their hormones are raging, but the most important thing to remember is that the woman must be comfortable and her needs must be met in order for sex to be completely satisfying for both partners. Take the necessary time to learn about what she needs from the sexual experience to ensure her satisfaction is put first before all things. What are her turn on’s? What gets her to that point of no return? What are her favorite positions? If you haven’t taken time to learn these things make the time. Having regular conversations about sex can help with striking up desire more frequently.
In order to become intimate with your lover, you must know who you truly are based on what your inner voice tells you. That inner voice is what is considered to be God energy, or life force energy that gives you the power of being. “We are taught from an early age to live outwardly,” OSHO states. In order to find yourself you must go into mediation. For many, meditation is a foreign concept that appears difficult to grasp, but it is truly simple. For 10 minutes or more a day, sit in total silence with your eyes closed, steadily breathing and think about nothing. Allow all outside thoughts to fall from your mind and listen to what your inner voice is saying. Then ask yourself the question, “Who am I?” Without identifying with your family, friends, work, social clubs and the opinions of others, who are you really?
To be intimate is to be completely naked in relating to those around you. NO masks, NO representatives, NO facades. In order to have the deep connection with your partner that creates intense sexual moments, you have to know yourself and then trust your partner with who you truly are. It is being vulnerable and open with the most intimate parts of your being.
Many couples sleep together at night and aren’t aware of who the person they sleep next to really is. There is a lack of intimacy that creates that barrier in situations such as this. Communication is the tool necessary for couples to remain aware of each other through life’s changes.
A great activity to use as a way to check in with each other’s true selves is to use lists. Create a list of check in questions that inquire about intimate parts of one’s life. Life changes such as becoming parents, experiencing death in the family, job changes or sickness can change people’s perspectives on self and life, and ultimately change the person as a whole. Make the commitment to check in with yourself and your partner to remain in intimacy.
If communication and connecting intimately is a difficulty within your relationship, consider talking to a relationship coach who can help point you in the right direction. Once intimacy is established, trust will be at the center of your relationship, bringing with it the freedom to explore sexually and connect more deeply.
If you would like to learn more about OSHO’s eastern view on intimacy, you can purchase his book “Intimacy: Trusting Oneself and the Other” on Amazon.com.
Has he entered his third decade of life without a solitary long-term relationship? Or are things only so-so in bed — because he clearly needs a little schooling? “Eek. Red flag!”
Okay, not so fast. Having a checklist of classic deal breakers may not be your best strategy for ultimately winding up with a winner. Dating coach Evan Marc Katz says the smart, successful 21st-century woman especially has the tendency to look for flaws early on and nix men quickly — no one wants to waste their precious time, after all. But this habit may lead to you kicking a lot of decent guys to the curb.
“There’s this temptation to move faster, but people reveal themselves slowly, over time,” Katz explains, insisting that a dose of discernment can go a long way. “There’s always nuance in every situation. We can talk about red flags and generalizations, because there’s no other way to talk about people — but we need to have the wisdom to realize that generalization isn’t always reality.”
Let’s practice that sage wisdom. Here are a few red flags that may not be as bad as you think.
1. His past is filled with a long trail of women.
If his figurative black book is as long as the dictionary, don’t panic. According to Katz, many men want to reach a certain place of emotional and financial readiness before settling into that super-committed, long-term relationship. “He might have been having fun until he was ready to settle down and isn’t necessarily a womanizing terror,” Katz says. “It’s not realistic to expect he wasn’t going to date or have sex with anyone until he was ready to meet The One.”
Katz says what matters are his intentions now. Figuring those out comes down to ascertaining his character. Does he have a history of cheating, or has he been faithful in past relationships? Does he treat people respectfully, or do you see signs of uncaring behavior or entitlement? If there are other big red flags, that’s an issue. Trust your gut.
2. He’s not one for foreplay.
Everybody knows that women need some extra attention before doing the deed… right? Even if it seems your guy is the only one who didn’t get the memo, it doesn’t have to be a dealbreaker, says couples counselor and psychologist Karla Ivankovich, PhD, an adjunct professor at the University of Illinois, Springfield. Since lots of men grew up with the quick encounters of hookup culture, they may need a little help fostering a deeper, closer intimate relationship.
“Communicate,” says Ivankovich. “If your partner is receptive to exploring your intimacy together, set parameters for how to go about this. Discuss the idea that talking about sexuality and preferences in an intimate way is very different from the physical act of having intercourse.” But note that it’s equally important. If he’s not open to improvement so everyone’s happy, it’s best to move on.
3. He’s behind in his career.
So, you’ve got the corner office, and he’s still trying to “make it” in an unconventional career path. If he seems to have all the makings of a supportive partner otherwise, don’t be so quick to write this guy off. We’re a generation that’s raising the bar on happiness and that isn’t keen on settling for a ho-hum career, which means it’s taking some people longer to figure out who they want to be. “Ask yourself if he’s got realistic dreams, or is he living in a fantasy? Does he have a plan, or is there no follow-through?” Katz says, noting these aren’t questions you’ll likely be able to answer after just one or two dates. “You have to see how someone reveals himself over time.”
4. He can’t seem to say “I love you.”
If his inability to say those three little words has you reeling, calm down and chill out, says Ivankovich. There are many reasons a guy might not be able to say “I love you” besides the fact that he doesn’t feel it, especially if he’s generally an affectionate good guy otherwise.
“Before running for the hills, first see if you can address why this is an issue,” Ivankovich explains. “Maybe he fell hard in a past relationship and his words were rejected. Maybe this was not modeled in the home he was raised in.” If you can show him those words are safe with you, he may suddenly feel he can be vulnerable — and won’t be able to stop showing you the love. “Far too often, the younger generation is quick to dispose of things that don’t work for them in the moment,” says Ivankovich. “But the truth is, life and love are about commitment and sustainability.”
5. He won’t bring you around his family.
He’s got a big family gathering on Labor Day and isn’t inviting you? What gives?
Since mom and dad are generally still pretty involved in the lives of their adult children, Ivankovich says it’s very possible he’s taken an ex around his parents before — and that she either didn’t mesh with the clan or didn’t get rave reviews. “While this has nothing to do with you, it can have everything to do with meeting the unrealistic expectations of parents in 2015,” she explains. “For your partner, quite possibly, he may want to solidify your commitment to ensure you are not going to be harmed by critical family members.” So if your relationship is still in early stages, let him get to that big introduction when he’s ready. If you’re committed and solid, and he’s still trying to keep you hidden, then it’s time to ask questions.
You can write anyone off for his history or flaws. But if you do, you may just write everyone off. The real deal-breaking red flags: “Liars, cheaters and emotional or physical abusers are never an option,” Ivankovich says. Otherwise, take each man on a case by case basis and give him time to reveal his character to you, naturally.
A new survey finds more than eight in 10 adults admit to sending or receiving a sexually explicit text message — commonly known as “sexting” — and many say the practice leads to increased sexual satisfaction, particularly when couples are involved.
“Most people have focused on the dangers of sexting and how it can harm a relationship,” said study lead author Emily Stasko, a doctoral candidate in the department of psychology at Drexel University in Philadelphia. “But context matters. Sexting is definitely something that many adults are doing, it’s not going away, and the findings indicate that it can actually be good for relationships and sexual satisfaction.”
The poll found that about three-quarters of those who sext do so with a committed partner. And roughly the same percentage sext while in the comfort of their home.
More than four in 10 of those polled said they had sexted while in a “casual relationship,” and nearly one-third copped to sending sexts either while on the job or elsewhere outside the home. Just 12 percent said they used this form of communication to cheat on someone.
Stasko was scheduled to present her team’s findings Saturday in Toronto at a meeting of the American Psychological Association. Findings presented at meetings are generally viewed as preliminary until they’ve been published in a peer-reviewed journal.
To get a snapshot of current sexting habits, the study team conducted a 20-minute online survey among 870 Americans. The participants were between the ages of 18 and 82, with a median age of 35, the researchers said.
All of the respondents were heterosexual. Nearly six in 10 were women, and more than 80 percent were white. While more than four in 10 said they were currently married, an equal number said they had never been married.
Investigators found that nearly 88 percent said they had sent or received a sext at least once in their lives. And 82 percent said they had sexted in the last 12 months, the survey revealed.
Men were more likely to think of it as a “fun” and “carefree” experience, and more likely to view the behavior as an expected part of their relationship. Women, on the other hand, appeared to be slightly more likely to want to send texts than to receive them, the researchers said.
But greater sexting frequency was linked to greater sexual satisfaction among both men and women, particularly when sexters were in a relationship, the survey found. In fact, with the exception of those who said they were in a “very committed” relationship, couples who sexted more often were more likely to say they were satisfied with their relationship. For those in very committed relationships, sexting made no difference in sexual satisfaction, the study found.
By contrast, sexting had little effect on sexual satisfaction for people who weren’t in relationships. Twenty-six percent of the group described themselves as single, the survey found.
“Sexting is a behavior that people do for many different reasons,” said Stasko. “The motives can differ, and differ at different times for the same person,” she added.
“So I would say that not all sexting is equal,” Stasko pointed out. “It’s not all positive. For example, while 60 percent said they never sexted when they didn’t want to, that still means that 40 percent did. But at the same time, it’s not all negative. It’s a type of sexual communication, but it’s also more generally just another type of communication, period. And it’s one that might actually make it easier to talk about sex for those who might have a more difficult time of it face to face.”
Jeffrey Hall, an assistant professor in the department of communication studies at the University of Kansas in Lawrence, said the current findings are “part of a larger discussion that is recognizing that sexting is a likely outgrowth of sexual talk in the context of new and ongoing relationships.”
Hall said, “Assuming that no one is scandalized that relationship partners talk about sex, we should also not be scandalized that people in relationships are talking about sex on their mobile phones.”
And, he added, “as mobile devices continue the steady march toward achieving the status of fully domestic technologies — like the television and the home computer — it should come as no surprise that we treat them as a means to carry on relationship business as usual, including talking about sex.”
By C. Achebe –Blackdoctor.org
In this informative Q&A session, Dr. Eloise Skelton answers some of our most reader requested health questions. In this session Dr. Eloise Skelton answers the question “What Are Some Natural Lubricants”
By C. Achebe –Blackdoctor.org
In this informative Q&A session, Dr. Eloise Skelton answers some of our most reader requested health questions. In this session Dr. Eloise Skelton answers the question “What Are Some Natural Lubricants”
Tyomi Morgan –Blackdoctor.org
The weeks of summer are quickly coming to an end, and along with the roundup of these summer months come diminishing flings only built for the summer. Breaking up can be difficult to do, especially when the relationship was only meant for a moment. If you’re in a fling that has come to an end and are confused about how to leave the relationship on good terms, here are five ways to cool down that summer romance.
Sometimes relationships last longer out of fear of hurting the other person’s feelings about ending what may be a good experience for them, but as sensitive of an area this may be to tread in, the best thing you can do is be one hundred percent real about what you want. If ending the relationship is what you seek, be honest with your partner about your desires to move on. It may hurt for a moment, but it stings much less than being betrayed and strung along in the process.
Living in a world where most day-to-day interactions involve electronics can turn anyone into a passive aggressive when it’s time to communicate about topics that are sensitive in nature. Be authentic and respectful of the experience and break the news with the person face to face. Not only does it show him or her that you’re serious about calling it quits, but it also shows them that you respect their feelings enough to be honest in person. Breaking up or cutting ties via text message gets interpreted as a blow off, and no one likes to feel as if they are dispensable.
The urge to dip back into the “honey pot” may be strong when leaving one relationship in search of another, but in order to truly free yourself from a relationship that has ran its course you must cut the ties of intimacy, too. Sex, long walks on the beach, boo loving on the phone —all of these things must be left to the past if what you truly seek is to move on from a relationship with this person. Leave the experiences in the past and make the boundaries clear to your former partner to avoid confusion or drama in the future.
This is a classic sign that things are about to end. To begin suggesting that your current partner begins to date other people is a sign that you are done with the relationship. Encouraging one to date could serve as a segue into the conversation about breaking things off. Remember, being honest is of highest priority.
In the beginning of any relationship the agreement always starts out as something that it never ends as. People change, and a relationship that was once a mutual understanding can turn into something completely different over time for one or both partners. Once the fling has run its course, it is important to revisit the original agreement between you and your partner, especially in the case of a fling. “Hooking up” or being “friends with benefits” for a time can sometimes make one believe the relationship has developed into more than just a meantime fling. Revisit the agreement and let your partner down easy. No one ever wants to be on any end of a breakup, but how the let-down is delivered makes all the difference.
GalTime -Huff Post Women
When you get married, you are psyched for so many reasons. You are finally with your one-and-only, forever. You’ve got a partner in crime. It’s you and your spouse against the world. You’ve got each other’s backs, you’re best friends. Shall we go on? Oh, yeah. One more. You’ll never be lonely.
Uh, not so fast on that last one. Research shows marriage can be one of the largest sources of social stress. When expectations are not met within the union, it can lead to depression, resentment and, yes, loneliness.
Researchers found that one or both members of a couple can feel isolated even if they spend a lot of time together. But why?
How Marriages Become Lonely
“Sometimes marriages fall into an autopilot pattern,” explains Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., relationship expert and author of The 30-Day Love Detox. “Partners no longer court each other or exchange the care that they did in the early days and they become more concerned with selfish interests.”
Other times, one partner in the marriage may be unhappy but unable to communicate that effectively, which can lead to feelings of loneliness too, she said. Spouses who are also parents face an even greater risk of feelings of isolation or abandonment, especially when one parent is playing a role (worker or caregiver) that makes him or her unhappy.
“When children arrive, sometimes couples fall into traditional gender roles or battle about gender roles for the first time,” says Dr. Walsh. “One may feel a need to work more outside the home to provide for the family, another may feel a need to nurture more. This is definitely a time when the battle lines can be drawn. Children put a lot of stress onto a marriage.”
Fix the Feelings of Isolation
For whatever reason you’re experiencing loneliness in your marriage, Dr. Walsh offers these three tips to help you start repairing your relationship.
1. Find the source.
Instead of automatically blaming the marriage, or bottling up any negative feelings, take some time to figure out why you feel the way you do. Perhaps the real reason for the feelings of isolation stem from something internal that needs to be addressed.
Ask yourself whether it’s about something that’s actually happening in the marriage, recommends Dr. Walsh. “Are you being abandoned or are you perceiving that you’re being abandoned?”
2. Avoid blaming your partner (or yourself).
Wallowing in your own sadness or allowing it to morph into anger won’t solve anything — and it could actually make you feel worse. If your spouse is acting in a way that bothers you, confront him or her with a positive tone and try to express that. Blaming a spouse for working too much, or not paying enough attention to you, or doing anything else that you perceive as “wrong” will only cause him or her to be walled off from you. Approach issues in a constructive, open way.
“It’s never anyone’s fault,” says Dr. Walsh. “It’s better to ask someone to help you process your feelings than to blame them for your feelings.”
3. Don’t rely on your spouse for everything — spread your wings.
If you expect your spouse to fill all the roles of best friend, emotional confident, lover, domestic partner, co-parent and your primary intellectual stimulant, you might always feel a little disappointed. Instead of relying on your spouse to fulfill all these needs to the fullest, divide those tasks among a few platonic friends. “This is a way to take some of the pressure off of the marriage and improve self-confidence too,” says Dr. Walsh.
If you can start by identifying why you’re experiencing loneliness, you can move forward to the actions needed to feel better about yourself and your marriage.
Academic studies can be fascinating… and totally confusing. So we decided to strip away all of the scientific jargon and break them down for you.
After studying romantic relationships for over 30 years, biological anthropologist Helen Fisher concluded, “We humans are soft-wired to suffer terribly when we are rejected by someone we adore.” Nowhere is this more apparent than in breakups. Countless songs, poems, books and movies have been inspired by them, and researchers like Fisher have spent decades trying to nail down romantic rejection. But if heartbreak is both universal and specific, can we narrow down the experience according to gender? Researchers from Binghamton University and University College London recently conducted a study to find out.
The study was based on an online survey of 5,705 English-speaking men and women from 96 different countries. The average age was 27. In the survey, participants were asked about their romantic relationship history. Questions about breakups included: Have you experienced a breakup? How severe was the breakup for you emotionally? Who do you feel initiated the breakup? What sort of physical responses did you experience as a result of the breakup?
Then, participants were asked to rate their responses to breakups on a scale from zero (none) to 10 (unbearable).
Unsurprisingly, breakups were pretty common, with 75 percent of participants reporting the experience. Women tended to take breakups a bit harder, reporting significantly higher levels of emotional responses than men. They also showed a higher “fear” response and experienced unwanted weight loss or gain after a breakup more often.
But things evened out a bit when it came to how men and women assessed their own responses to heartbreak — both sexes averaged a seven out of 10 when asked to rate the intensity of their breakups. Plus, it’s not like the women were left helplessly flailing — more often than not, they were the ones initiating the breakups (something research has found time and again). “Lack of communication” was the most common reason for splits.
Clearly, these findings are huge generalizations and may only apply to the people in this particular sample. Still, it’s interesting that women tended to not only feel the impact of a breakup more acutely, but they were also the ones who really thought about the state of their relationships and made decisions to change things in their lives for the better. That kind of agency is actually pretty empowering for women. Not to mention, allowing yourself to emote without shame or judgement isn’t such a bad thing, either — that’s how people grow and learn from their experiences.
At the end of the day, isn’t connecting with people and, you know, feeling things the point of it all? Just make sure you’re equipped with some of that aforementioned breakup music.