By Tyomi Morgan –Blackdoctor.org
We are well into wedding season and the pomp and circumstance of matrimony increases in style and flair with each social media post of this summer’s newlywed couples. While the bride searches for the right dress and the groom prepares to make sure his future wife remains glowing and smiling during every moment of wedding planning, there is often a subject that goes undiscussed and assumed throughout the entire process: sexual compatibility.
In searching for the one to provide perfect balance within a relationship, many couples focus on religious compatibility and financial stability without ever taking the time to think about the important role sex plays in a long-term relationship. A wise woman once told me that a marriage needs four things to sustain the test of time: trust, honesty, love and great sex. And grandma has never lied to me a day in her life!
It’s time that couples stop leaving their sex lives up to chance and begin taking control of one of the most influential factors within a relationship. If you or a loved one plans on tying the knot during this wedding season and beyond, here are five must ask sex questions that can help any long-term couple initiate a healthy sexual relationship.
1. What is your sexual history?
Previous sexual relationships have a major influence on present behaviors. In amassing higher numbers of partners, soul ties are created that carry with them energetic debris that can cause issues within a relationship unconsciously. Simple energy cleansing can help remedy this situation in helping each partner to truly begin with a fresh start by removing emotional baggage placed within the spirit from previous sexual encounters.
Sexual history will also reveal one’s relationship with their sexual health on the physiological level. Does this person have a history of STD contraction? Have these situations been cleared up? Is one living with an STD that needs to be treated regularly? Answering these questions is vital, especially for the couple looking to successfully conceive in the future. Certain STDS (chlamydia and gonorrhea) are known to cause complications with conception in women if left untreated for too long or left untreated all together. It’s a touchy subject, but a history of abortions is also a factor that can play into the health of the womb and should be discussed with honesty.
The sexual history conversation is never a comfortable one to have for fear that a partner may judge harshly, but in agreeing to marry and commit to a loving relationship with another you sign on to become truly intimate with your partner in revealing all things—even the shameful parts—to your partner in confidence that they have your back and will understand.
2. How important is sex to you?
It’s a heavy assumption that sex is an important factor to each partner within a relationship, but in my experience of coaching couples through their sexual woes I often come across an imbalanced couple, where one person values sex greater than the other. In being completely compatible within a relationship, each person has to also be on the same page when it comes to the importance sex holds within the union. If one partner sees the value in experimenting and investing into having a well-rounded sex life and the other doesn’t agree, the relationship becomes one sided leaving one partner to feel alone or outcast in their sexual expression. Repression then sets in, leading to issues that can create resentment between partners and lead to dysfunction within the marriage.
Before saying “I do” and committing to forever, have a conversation about the importance of sex with your partner. If a major difference of opinion is revealed, then this is the moment to come to a common ground on how to make the sexual relationship work before things go south after the rings are exchanged. Speaking to a sex coach or a sex therapist is a great way to share your opinions while receiving solutions to possible imbalances within sexual relations.
3. What do you like?
Assuming what your partner is into is the worst way to begin a lifelong sexual relationship. Assumptions are often based on previous sexual experiences with partners from the past, and when building a future with someone new those old ways of thinking about sex as they pertained to your situations in the past must be done away with and replaced with the standards of your new partner.
Having conversations about what each person desires sexually is healthy for ensuring the sexual relationship starts off on a clean slate with no baggage being brought into the equation from former lovers. Your husband or wife to be is your best friend and has agreed to share the most intimate portions of their being with you, so return the favor by opening up to what turns you on in the bedroom. The more you talk about sex the easier it will be to create a satisfying sex life to stand the test of time.
4. What are your views on sexuality?
Religious upbringing, parental guidance and personal experiences all have an effect on how a person views sexuality and it is important to know your partner’s perspective about their own sexuality. Many who come from backgrounds where sex has been demonized or where sexual repression has been encouraged may not have positive views about sexuality, and this can become an issue within a relationship. It is important to talk to your future life partner about their feelings towards sexuality and to sort out where they are in the present. If issues with repression are holding either one of you back from opening up completely, it’s time to see a sex therapist.
5. What are your sexual needs?
“A man has needs” is a common phrase blurted out in frustration when sex seems to be less than what he desires, but this same rule applies to women as well. Each person within a relationship has sexual needs that require fulfillment in order to be completely balanced. Have a conversation with your partner about what he or she feels are sexual needs. Is oral sex a requirement? Is sex four times a week a necessity? Is extended foreplay something you need to become fully aroused? Lay out your sexual needs so your partner isn’t mistaken about what you desire from your sex life together.
Sexless marriages or marriages where sexual dysfunction exists often lead to separation or divorce. Trust your partner with your sexuality and communicate about sex before walking down the aisle. It’s healthy and beneficial to do so.