Interracial dating “can be a little tricky,” comedian Phoebe Robinson says.
So she explains the pitfalls and objectives in this “Mostly True” video for Upworthy.
You’ll be ready to meet the parents in no time.
By Tyomi Morgan –Blackdoctor.org
There are many aspects of sexuality that aren’t spoken about enough, especially within the African American community. One of those subjects happens to be sexual consent. Before getting into any type of sexual activity, consent needs to be granted on both ends for sex to commence in a peaceful and enjoyable fashion. Unfortunately, sexual consent isn’t something that is always secured before sex occurs, and this type of commandeering often leaves its victims feeling violated and abused.
We often hear about rape in the context of a random stranger pulling a woman off the street, date rape or a school teacher having sex with her underage student, but what we rarely hear about openly are the stories from women who have been forced into sex by someone they trust and love.
As quiet as it is kept, rape within relationships happens far more than what one would expect and it is a situation that can make any woman feel trapped, alone and worthless. According to one national study, “based on the findings of the largest U.S. study of violence against women to date, it is estimated that over 7 million women have been raped by their intimate partners in the United States (Mahoney, Williams & West, 2001; Tjaden & Thoennes, 1998).” Further research goes on to state that “one out of every 8 adult women in the US has experienced at least one forcible rape in her lifetime.”
Even within the confines of a marriage or committed relationship, consent still needs to be given clearly for both partners to play responsibly, but sometimes a man’s desires and his previous interactions with his partner can lead him to believe advancing in a sexual manner is okay. In reality, it’s not.
The words “no”, “stop”, “not right now” or other words that signify a negative response to sexual advances should not be taken lightly or viewed as playing “hard to get.” Negative body language such as sitting with arms or legs crossed, facing the body away from a partner, or the limbs being placed close to the body are also signs of non interest.
If a woman does not give full consent for her body to be touched or used sexually and activity commences despite her lack of cooperation, then this constitutes rape. The worst part is, many of the men who fall into the “forcible sex” category see absolutely nothing wrong with the act, and many of the women who face these types of situations have no idea how to bring this topic up without making her beloved feel like a criminal or a creep.
There are ways for men to ask for consent without sounding clinical or awkward in the process:
Ask her what she wants in a message.
Sometimes, what we can’t verbalize is better said in a written message. If sex is on the brain for the evening, send a message of interest placing the power of the experience in her hands before assuming she has the same activity in mind. Send a message that reads something like, “Baby, I can’t wait for our personal time tonight…it turns me on when you tell me what you want me to do to you,”and wait for her response. The goal is to allow her to call the shots so that her comfort, safety and consent are placed as a priority. If she doesn’t respond positively to the text, then opt for a movie night.
Give her control in the bedroom.
It’s her body that has to be entered before sex can commence, so by giving her the control over when sex is happening and when it isn’t secures her safety physically and mentally. A woman must feel safe in order for the arousal stages to properly set into place. One of the major reasons why women do not orgasm regularly is because of anxiety being held in the mind. Help her relax and gain her proper consent by relinquishing control in the bedroom during the initiation phase, and always check in with her to ensure her satisfaction is being met during intercourse.
Make her beg for it.
A fun way to determine her level of interest and receive a woman’s absolute consent for sex is to entice her to beg for what she wants. This is a true definition of playing hard to get. If she is aroused and has given the green light in positive verbal confirmations and in her body language, then deflecting her advancements playfully will not only intensify her desires and signify her consent, but will give the male partner an ego boost in knowing he is desired.
Sometimes, it takes simple communication to clear the air about what is appropriate and what isn’t when it comes to the initiation of sexual activity. Remaining in constant awareness of these standards is critical in maintaining a healthy and positive dynamic between lovers.
If non-consented sexual activity is happening within your relationship and you are seeking help to break away from the abuse, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE (4673). Or, log on to https://www.rainn.org/get-help/national-sexual-assault-hotline.
Carly Spindel -Huff Post Women
1. They go to bed at the same time.
Remember when you first started dating and you couldn’t wait to cuddle and sleep next to each other? Well, don’t forget that! Going to sleep at the same time is a necessity. When you go to bed together, you’re promoting healthy relationship patterns.
2. They find common interests.
It’s important to really enjoy spending time together. He doesn’t need to share your love of reality TV, and you obviously don’t need to understand his adoration for ESPN, but you should have activities that the two of you look forward to doing as a couple. Whether it’s picking a new recipe to try every weekend, going for a run, or simply watching The Blacklist, find something fun to do consistently together.
3. They touch.
Small gestures like holding hands or putting your arm around each other increases closeness, which is always a factor in the lives of happy couples. When you hold hands, you’re subconsciously reminding yourself that you care about each other.
4. They don’t pointlessly nag.
Happy couples emphasize the positive things that their partner does. This means that if something is bothering you, you have a real conversation about it. Nitpicking, nagging, or criticizing are not the way to someone’s heart.
5. They embrace affection, continuing to kiss each other hello and say “I love you.”
Before you leave for work in the morning, give your partner a really great goodbye kiss and say I love you. When you come home from a long day, do it again. Your morning and evening greeting should be something that you look forward to. Once you start kissing and sharing your feelings often, you’ll appreciate each other more. People forget that the small things make a difference. When you begin your day with a loving gesture, you’re starting on a great note.
6. They maintain the intimacy.
Nothing beats the I-can’t-keep-my-hands-off-you-and-am-so-obsessed-with-you honeymoon phase. It’s so amazing when the only thing you can focus on is your partner and you want to spend every single second together. But, eventually the honeymoon phase is over. Just because it ended, the passion doesn’t have to also disappear. Happy couples work to keep intimacy and romance alive in the relationship.
7. They go out together.
Having a date night is essential. Just like when you first started dating, you have to be woo-ed. Take turns courting each other and planning the entire night. Date night encourages you to keep the spark alive. As silly as it sounds, getting dressed up and going out, just the two of you, keeps the excitement strong.
8. They genuinely enjoy each other’s company.
When you enjoy each other’s company, your relationship flourishes. Your significant other is someone you can talk to about anything, anywhere, anytime — so make sure you take advantage of that. When you have a bad day, simply seeing your partner makes everything better.
9. They break routines.
Your relationship shouldn’t feel like a routine. Your life as a couple should be unpredictable. You should embrace spontaneity and surprise each other with fun new activities.
10. They put their phones away.
When you’re together, you should focus entirely on each other. Devote 100 percent of your attention to your partner. Take a break from technology. Instagram, Facebook and Twitter can all wait until the morning.
As romantic as the notion of marriage may be, most people don’t stop to think if they are actually “marriage material.” Many think that simply because you fall in love and date for a year or two, marriage is the natural next step – but it’s not for everyone.
Make sure you’re honest with yourself about what you bring to the table. After all, you can’t attract a man who possesses the traits of a good husband if you don’t display those traits yourself (and of course the same applies to men).
There’s several factors that go into marriage and many of us haven’t even begun to soul search enough to uncover these things. So while you’re all googly-eyed, looking at your lover, focus and go through this checklist to make sure you’re ready.
Are you ready for commitment?
Sounds obvious, but many people only begin to think about commitment because it’s “time.” Their friends are getting married and family members are being pushy so they feel pressure, but internally they are not sure they are ready.
Is it more important to be happy than right?
We all know the type of person who always needs to be right. It is draining and can destroy a relationship. Can you set aside your own wants and needs for the greater good of the relationship?
Are you still in love with your ex?
Do you stalk him/her on social media? Do you care if she/he is dating someone new? Do you think about your ex all the time. If so, you are not ready for a new relationship and should consider professional help to move forward. We know your friends are exhausted of hearing about your drama.
Do you share a common vision or belief system?
There is nothing wrong with not liking or wanting children – it’s not for everyone, and it doesn’t automatically exclude you from being seen as marriage material. However, you have to keep in mind that if you’re dating someone who wants children, or who has children already, and you don’t like children, then it won’t matter how much you are in love, it’ll never work.
Can you remain faithful?
This is not to say that once a cheater, always a cheater – but most people who are repeatedly unfaithful in relationships don’t change unless they truly are ready and they want to. But if you haven’t finished sowing your oats, then remain single until you can remain faithful.
Are you ready for a lifelong partnership?
Maintaining a long-term relationship requires compromise, so if you can’t handle not having everything your way, your relationship will not progress smoothly. Compromise includes everything from family decisions to finances, in-laws and even domestic chores.
Article courtesy of Nuviun courtesy of “The Rundown”
New DNA dating sites take the mystery out of finding your perfect match. But do they work? I guess it depends on your definition of “perfect.”
Back in the dinosaur age when I was out on the dating scene, I did something that may seem archaic nowadays. I answered a personal ad in the newspaper. It was from a young man looking to meet a young woman who liked fine dining and walks in the rain. He had me at hello.
I went on to marry that man and have two beautiful daughters with him. It was only after we met and got to know each other that I learned everything there was to know about him, his parents, his family and other things about his family history. I learned that his father had died at age 48 of a heart defect, that his half-sister inherited the same defect, that his mother had gallbladder problems and that his sister developed thyroid problems after giving birth.
I also learned about his personality traits, moral values and goals in life.
Would knowing have changed my mind?
If I had known of his possible genetic predisposition to these health problems or other traits that would eventually affect our bond (we divorced after 15 years), would that have affected my decision to date him, marry him or have children with him? Maybe. Maybe not.
Nurture vs. nature
Gene Partner argues that “the probability for successful and long-lasting romantic relationships is greatest in couples with high genetic compatibility.”
The company’s website goes on to say that “With genetically highly compatible people we feel that rare sensation of perfect chemistry. This is the body’s receptive and welcoming response when immune systems harmonize and fit well together. Genetic compatibility results in:
So is it possible that science has found a way to find our perfect match so that we can finally trust those butterflies we get in the early stages of love, rather than worry the attraction is only physical or temporary?
By Tyomi Morgan –Blackdoctor.org
Throughout history sex has been used as a tool of influence and power by individuals who desire personal gain and in the eyes of many using sex in this way is morally incorrect. As taboo as it may seem to many for a man or a woman to “sleep their way to the top” there is a way for an individual to use the sexual energy contained within themselves to gain anything the mind can think up.
Sexual energy is the most powerful energy in existence and it forever flows throughout all living things. It is manipulated in moments of ecstasy to create life, but beyond procreation sexual energy can be used to gain success in various areas of life.
Where “sleeping your way to the top” may not be the most favorable of options for those who morally stand against using sex as a means of persuasion, an individual can use solo sex (masturbation) or sex with his or her partner to accelerate the laws of attraction. Joel Olsteen, Oprah Winfrey and Will Smith have all gone on record to speak in depth about the law of attraction and how it can be used to bring success to one’s life.
The book “The Secret” is based solely on this concept. In Western culture, using sexual energy as a catalyst to speed up the process of attracting great things to one’s life isn’t a philosophy that is preached, but it is a practice that is centuries old in the Eastern hemisphere.
So, how do you use sex to manifest great things into existence?
The process is a lot more simple than one would think. The goal is to use sexual energy when it is at its highest level; to use sexual energy during an orgasm. The key component of this entire process is to remain cognizant of the power of the mind.
Everything that has ever been created in existence originated from a mere thought. So in order to bring your thoughts and desires to life, that thought must be held in the mind and in the heart during the arousal period, and at the onset of the orgasm you must envision that desire coming to life as you push through the orgasm to the end.
Once the orgasm subsides, imagine that desire as manifested and flying off into the universe as a seed. This is a faith-based process that requires full believe in the power of your manifestation abilities.
Whether having sex with a partner or utilizing self pleasure to generate sexual energy, using sex to accelerate your success is safe, harmless as extremely fulfilling.
In spite of their differences, introverts and extroverts make great romantic partners. Perhaps it’s a case of opposites attracting — what one partner lacks, the other more than makes up for. They balance each other out.
“Extroverts report that introverts give them permission to explore their serious, introspective sides,” Susan Cain, author of Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, wrote in a guest blog for eHarmony. “Introverts, on the other hand, often feel grateful that their extroverted partners make the atmosphere light-hearted and casual -– and that they do so much of the talking.”
It’s important to note that “introverted” and “extroverted” are not just synonyms for “shy” and “outgoing” — there are outgoing introverts and shy extroverts. The main difference between these two temperaments comes down to how energy is gained. Introverts gain energy and recharge by spending time alone, while extroverts gain energy by surrounding themselves with others.
Below, we asked authors, psychologists, relationship writers and real-life couples to share the common situations that arise when an introvert marries an extrovert.
1. You’d prefer to sit and think after a fight, while your spouse wants to resolve things right away.
Innies and outies, as they are sometimes called, have different ways of responding to conflict. Introverts need time to quietly process, while extroverts often prefer to think out loud and want to tackle the issue head on as soon as possible.
“My husband wants to talk it out because extroverts process that way,” author Betsy Talbot told The Huffington Post. “I want to think about it and have the talk when I’ve got my thoughts together. It completely throws me to think out loud, and it completely throws him to not be able to bounce ideas off of me. We’ve since learned to argue in a more productive way, but those first few years were a doozy.”
2. You rely on your spouse to rescue you from drawn-out conversations at parties.
It’s like you have a sign on your back that says, “Tell me all about it!” Somehow you always end up cornered at a party by a stranger with a lot to say. Fortunately, your extroverted spouse has no problem intervening.
“Introverts are excellent listeners and not big minglers, so at parties, we’re sitting ducks for chatterboxes,” Sophia Dembling, author of Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After, told HuffPost Weddings. “And while extroverts have a talent for flitting from person to person at a party, introverts are not always good at extricating ourselves from conversations that have gone on too long.”
3. And on occasion, you take separate cars to parties so you can duck out early and your spouse can keep socializing.
Introverts find small talk draining, while extroverts excel at making breezy conversation with strangers and acquaintances alike.
“The effort it takes to be a social butterfly means that my introverted wife hits her tired limit faster than I do,” Harris O’Malley, the man behind the blog Paging Dr. NerdLove, said. “Occasionally this means that I have to call it a night as well. Other times we take separate cars so that she can head home and I can hang around until I’m ready.”
4. You view alone time as rejuvenating, but your spouse finds it mind-numbingly boring.
“When not at work, my wife and I spend most every minute together and we both enjoy it,” self-proclaimed introvert Darcy Johnston said. “But when it comes time where I want to do my own thing like play video games or watch one of my movies, her response is always, ‘Well what am I going to do?’ Without the human interaction she gets frustrated, she finds it boring. I have to find something for her to do. And even then she’ll text me, ‘How long till you’re done?'”
Sometimes, extroverts take it personally when their introverted partners seek out solitude — but they shouldn’t. “We don’t do activities alone because we are sad or negative or depressed,” HuffPost blogger Kate Bartolotta wrote in a post. “We do it because that’s what fills our cup back up. We’ll be even happier to see you when we come back.”
5. You’re amazed at how easily your spouse meets new people, while you tend to keep to your smaller circle of close friends.
Extroverts are constantly making new friends — in line at Starbucks, at the post office, just walking down the street. In other words, anywhere. Introverts, on the other hand, are sometimes described as “slow to warm up” and require more time to establish a real connection with another person.
“We now live in a small village in Spain, and Warren immediately began making friends and practicing his Spanish,” Talbot said. “He talks to everyone, and it takes an hour to go to the small market even though it is only 500 feet from our door. It took a lot longer for people to remember me as anything other than ‘wife of Warren’ because I’m not nearly as extroverted.”
6. You prefer peace and quiet after a long day of work, while your spouse wants to chat about his or her day.
“My wife is the introvert but she actually has a forward-facing, customer-service intensive job that requires her to talk with dozens of people every day,” O’Malley said. “I, on the other hand, am an extrovert but also a writer, which means I spend the bulk of my day alone in front of my computer. By the time she gets off work, she’s exhausted from having to socialize, while I’m craving human contact.”
7. You have different ideas of what the perfect date night looks like.
More often than not, the introvert may prefer a quiet night in, snuggled up on the couch watching Netflix versus, say, a crowded bar. But even when he or she feels up to going out, the introvert’s preferences may not align with those of the extroverted partner.
“Introverts, who are more sensitive to external stimulation, are always ready to dial down the lights and action — think dark movie theatre or quiet restaurant,” clinical psychologist Dr. Laurie Helgoe, author of Introvert Power, said. “And extroverts, who are wired to seek external rewards, want to ramp it up at a casino or happy hour.”
8. You go out of your way to avoid activities that involve audience participation, while your spouse seeks them out.
“My wife and I love going to comedy shows, but the moments leading up to the comedy show are terrifying for me,” introvert and relationship writer Cody Mullins said. “My wife loves sitting up at the front where there’s a good chance the comedian will pull us into his shows, which is pretty much a personal nightmare of mine. The minutes leading up to the show are usually filled with panicked arguments (the panic all coming from me) on where we should sit. I always demand the furthest back corner where our involuntary participation is pretty much guaranteed to not happen. And then if it does, I have an easy escape route right out the back doors.”
9. Conversations between the two of you can be one-sided at times, and that’s OK.
Introverts tend to listen more than they speak and ask good questions, which works out well because it gives the extroverted spouse more room to talk.
“I personally think about everything I am going to say before I say it — I want to make sure it makes sense and represents what I want to say,” Johnston told The Huffington Post. “My wife mostly has no filter and just says what’s on her mind…I don’t enjoy forcing or having to carry a conversation. She loves to talk and needs someone to listen to her, so this setup is mutually beneficial. I help her by being her listening buddy, and she helps by taking the pressure of conversation away.”
By Tyomi Morgan –Blackdoctor.org
Each week I am approached with letters from dozens of people from across the globe seeking my advice on how to improve their sex lives. Two weeks ago, I was approached by a young lady who desperately needed my advice on becoming more exciting between the sheets.
“My husband says I’m boring in bed,” she typed. “What can you do to help me?” This is a comment I’ve heard often from women who have a desire to please their partners but have run out of options for what to do to improve the situation.
In realizing that her issue wouldn’t be resolved by writing out a few paragraphs via email, we scheduled a session to speak about the areas that were troubling her in the bedroom. In coaching sessions, the client is always in control of where the session goes and how the session is ran.
In opening her up to speak about her issues, several questions were raised that are also great questions for any woman (and men, too) to ask herself in order to initiate improvement.
Why does he think you’re boring?
One mistake many women make is not asking the hard hitting questions when complaints are raised about their sexual performance. Before seeking out sources to help with improvement, the issues must first be brought to the surface. Knowing exactly what her husband perceives as lackluster or boring about her sexual expression will give his wife an idea of the areas that need to be enhanced or corrected. It may be a tough pill to swallow, but asking him to elaborate on what he is feeling is the only way to fully understand his point of view.
It is easy to shift into ego when one’s character seems to come under fire, so instead of reacting to what may be perceived as an attack it is best to take a step back and be honest with yourself about the typical actions that are performed during sex. Do you initiate the sex or are you submissive in your approach? Are you vocal during sex or are you as silent as a church mouse? Do you switch up sex positions or do you revert to old faithfuls? These types of questions need to be answered.
Everyone has the capability to have amazing sex and to have fun while in the moment, so the real question is what is keeping you from experiencing the fullness your sex life has to offer? Have you experienced trauma in the past? Do you have an issue with body image? Does feeling sexy make you feel uncomfortable? Getting down to the root cause of what is causing you to reserve your sexual expression will help you pinpoint the issues and begin on improving.
Before getting into any sexual situation, one must know exactly what her sexual interests are. So if you’re being labeled as “boring in bed” then you must take the time to determine what turns you on and what sparks your sexual arousal. Do you like being spanked? Are you into mutual masturbation? Does using toys during sex turn you on? These are questions you should ask yourself when working on uncovering your sexual truth.
Education and communication are the two most important elements in improving your sex life. Making a commitment to work on your sex life is necessary in leaving the mark in the bedroom you (and your partner) desire.
Dating advice to women from eight different men. Are you rolling your eyes? We were too, until we read “Single Man Married Man” and met the group of authors (Dr. Jean Alerte, Rae Holliday, Pervis Taylor III, Frank Gateau, Jickael Bazin, DJ Fadelf, Zangba Thomson and Kel Spencer), all ranging from single to divorced. These are the men who are offering their solid advice on dating. And just in case you want to make a Steve Harvey comparison *cough* “Think Like A Man” *cough* don’t! This book is allowing women to take a peek inside the minds of real men and how they perceive us.
“Single Man Married Man” is set up on the inquiry, “If every man wants to get married, why aren’t they marrying you?” Sounds harsh, but we don’t need smoke and mirrors and fairy tales wrapped in a bow, we need the real deal–tough love. When celebrated author, Dr. Jean Alerte opened up Brooklyn Swirl with his wife and business partner, he had no idea that the presence of his best friend, Frank Gateau would be the start of “Single Man Married Man.”
Alerte told #TeamBeautiful that women would come in for frozen yogurt and spot Frank and wonder how in the world he was single?! Every woman that walked into the shop wanted to know what was “wrong” with Frank. And Dr. Alerte wanted to get his friend married off, so he started a conversation with him that turned into a book that was to be written by the both of them–a single man and a married man.
But something was missing. Dr. Alerte and Gateau needed more people. That’s when they tapped life coach, Pervis Taylor III, business resource consultant Jickael Bazin, media personality and editor Rae Holliday, songwriter Kel Spencer, author Zangba Thomson and DJ Fadelf–all men who are either single, married or divorced, to chime in. They surveyed hundreds of women and used the top 10 frequently asked questions as the foundation of the book. Each man answers the question based on their marital status and experience. The result is a relationship book like no other! We just had to have these handsome Black men in the office, giving us all the tea on the things we want to know most: social media or nah, what’s this “hook-up” culture about, should women stop wondering about their status in a relationship and more.
Not all relationships occur within the same city, or even same state or country. Long distance love works for some, but many of us want to be close to our significant other. That requires one of you to move. Moving for a significant other is a big deal. And it’s one that you might have had to face or are currently experiencing right now. Now when you love someone enough to be willing to move your life for them, it is romantic. But my mama always said, wherever you take your heart to, bring your head with you.
I love love, I love grand gestures of love, but it’s also good to think about it before making big decisions like moving across the country. Here are a few things to consider before uprooting your entire life:
1. Do I like this city (or town)?
It’s probably in your best interest to like the place you’re going to be physically living. Now we all don’t have the freedom of movement to just up and leave a place when we get tired of it or simply don’t like it. But if you’re thinking of moving across the country for your boo, chances are you do have some sort of freedom of movement. Now as much as we all have to make sacrifices in a relationship, make sure you can at least stomach the place you might be going to.
2. What is my job situation when I get there?
In the world of modern technology, this is becoming less of an issue given the ability to work remotely. Still, not everyone has that option. And if you don’t, you need to be realistic about what your work options are where you’re going. Better still, it might be the best decision to do your diligence before you move. Still, the fundamental thing you need to be thinking about is that this move won’t cause any regression in your career.
3. Is this relationship where I need it to be, to make this decision?
If you’ve been in a long-distance relationship, for a while or for some time, it’s sometimes easy to think of the distance as the cause of any friction (rather than a symptom). That is worth reflecting upon. If your significant other moving might cause you to have to re-locate as well, reflect on where you want this relationship to go, and where you see it going. In the end, in these types of situation, both people should have to make some sort of sacrifice. Not just one person.
4. Am I comfortable with the distance from my family and friends?
Whatever your other relationships are with your other loved ones, you have to take them into consideration. If you have a grandparent or parent who is getting up in years or needs care, these are the things you have to think about it. The reality is you might have to start a new life away from your family and friends for your significant other. But be sure to be comfortable with how this will affect your other relationships. Now nobody needs other loved ones holding you back if this is the best decision you can make for your life right now. But you can’t exclude thinking about how this will affect your other relationships.
5. Will I resent my current boo if we don’t work out?
This is a tough one because it’s about the potential for things not to work out. Nobody likes to think about a relationship they’re in, not working out. Nobody wants to think about the potential for regretting something they’ve invested a lot of their time and self into. The thing is, most decisions in life are about weighing the options, calculating the risks, and considering all the outcomes. All this is to say is that if you’re thinking about moving across the country (or world) for a loved one, by all means do it. But make sure you’re also doing it for you, and not just for them. Make sure that you are fundamentally with the sacrifice, regardless of the outcome. Indeed, fortune favors the brave, as is often said. But wisdom rewards the prudent.