Are you a woman who’d rather stay quiet and go without, rather than ask a man for what you want? Sadly, you’re not alone.
Society raises women to think of other people first, so it’s no wonder we feel that our needs are not important.
If you don’t have the confidence to ask for what you want, doing so can seem as frightening or as painful as a root canal.
But if you don’t ask, how will you ever get what you need? It’s like hearing a constant “no.”
Any relationship, and especially marriage, requires the art of compromise. You have to express your needs if you’re going to create a life with someone. It’s the only way to take a relationship from “just dating” to “happily ever after”.
Don’t despair—you just have to learn what works. Once you do, you’ll actually enjoy expressing your wants and needs.
Here are 10 reasons you’re not getting what you want:
1. You’re not clear.
Before you ask a man for anything, be crystal clear about what you want. Express your need in a simple sentence; don’t make it complicated by over-explaining. If you’re straight forward, it will appeal to a man’s more logical mind and he’ll get a clear picture of what you’re asking for.
2. You don’t know why you want it.
If you don’t know why you want what you want, you won’t make a good argument for your case. You have to give him clear and concise reasons so it makes sense to his (once again) logical mind.
3. You’re indirect and wishy-washy.
Don’t beat around the bush. It’s okay to come right to the point without padding your request with a lot of filler. You don’t have to give him every justification why you want something before you ask for it. You don’t have to qualify your motives, and no apologies are necessary.
Put the need out there without explaining yourself, and he’ll figure it out.
4. You don’t make it important enough.
If what you’re asking for isn’t truly important to you, don’t ask. Pick your battles. If it isn’t “I’m sticking to my guns” important to you then he certainly won’t consider it important either. It will be easy for him to talk you out of it and dissuade you of your desire.
5. You haven’t practiced your approach.
When it comes to asking for something you really want, you need to practice first. Say the words out loud as if you were talking to him. Listening to yourself will show you where you’re hesitant and unclear.
Go over the points you want to make so you’re sure of what you want to say. It will give you the confidence you need to feel comfortable asking for what you want.
6. You’re not prepared for his answer.
His answer will be either yes, no, or maybe. Don’t forget this will be a two-sided conversation and you don’t know how he’s going to react. You should know what you’re going to say to any of these 3 choices:
If he says “yes”, it’s time to stop talking and move on to other things. If you don’t, you might end up talking him into changing his mind.
If he says “no”, you need the reasons why he should say yes at your fingertips. Be prepared with strong, logical arguments to help change his mind. Remember, this is important so you are not going to just accept a no without a “fight.”
If he says “maybe”, you have to give him a good reason for what you’re asking for and then stop talking. Change the subject and give the man time to think things over.
Decisions are hard to make on the spot and giving him time to ponder your request can do wonders.
7. You let him distract you.
Are you dealing with a man who likes to avoid decisions and who’s an expert at diverting you from your mission? Perhaps he brings up unrelated subjects or starts asking you questions that have nothing to do with what you’re asking for.
If you know he’s an avoider, be prepared to stay on topic. Take time to practice out loud bringing the subject back to what you want to say.
8. You lose your cool.
This can sabotage your chances for getting what you want even if he agrees with you. If you get angry or annoyed because he’s not giving you what you want, you need to take deep breaths to calm yourself down. Anger will only beget more anger.
Any chance of persuading him to agree with you is lost if you get upset. He will see only that, and emotion will replace his logic. Promise yourself ahead of time to keep your voice level, no matter what.
9. You play the victim.
Being a victim is not only unattractive … it never works. It’s a device geared to engendering guilt and no one enjoys feeling guilty. It also makes you seem weak and childish. If you want him to consider your needs seriously, you must have confidence in yourself.
When you play the victim he’ll know it, even if only subconsciously, and he’ll rebel against giving you and what you want.
10. You worry about his feelings.
You’re talking to a man, not a boy; he can take care of his feelings. Don’t minimize the truth of what you want to make him feel better. Don’t worry about hurting his ego because you want or need something that’s important to you.
Trust that he can hear what you have to say, and that he’ll give you an honest reaction.
As you become more successful at expressing your needs, your relationships will deepen. You’ll feel that you’re an equal partner and enjoy finally getting your needs met.
More importantly, you’ll have mastered a skill you sucked at, so you can now have a truly meaningful and happily-ever-after relationship.