A new season of “Scandal” is finally here, but unfortunately Olivia did not come to her senses during the time away. She’s picking up where she left off with Fitz and it’s as gross as you’d expect. This is extra upsetting because with the exception of last season’s finale, it was seeming like even if they weren’t going to kill Fitz off, they were at least writing his dick out of the show. Now we all have to deal with flashbacks to all the dudes we’ve dated who were total Fitzs.
If you haven’t dated your’s yet, that might mean you’re due for a run-in or worse; you are dating one NOW without realizing it. Don’t let yourself get Olitzed. Treat “Scandal” like the cautionary tale that it is and look out for the following warning signs:
1. He uses sex to shush you.
Sure, it seems hot when he presses his finger to your lips mid-sentence, but if anyone else did that to you in an important conversation you’d want to fight them. Follow that instinct. There’s no such thing as trading in words for orgasms. You can do that yourself and talk all you want at the same time. I think that’s what Olivia means when she says, “It’s handled.”
2. He’s always turning you around during sex.
We all have our favorite positions and it’s not that being flipped around isn’t one of yours; it very well may be. But when it happens every time, you start to wonder what it is about sex that makes him not want to look you in the eye. It might be a fun for a casual fling, but in the long term, doing it doggie-style all the time will make you want to leave passive aggressive notes on your own back.
3. He plays the victim.
No matter how many bad things happen to him (RIP Jerry) no one really feels that bad for a guy like Fitz. See, he makes that impossible by being a bigger bitch than karma, crying about his daddy issues, difficult job and bad marriage whenever it’s convenient. To this type of person everything is someone else’s fault, including how they got to be in their position of power. Newsflash: He’s not avictim, he’s the common denominator who probably earned everything bad that comes his way.
4. He doesn’t respect women.
Fitz is surrounded by impressive, intelligent women everyday. His Press Secretary is a woman, his Vice President is a woman and Olivia used to work for him until she wanted to be her own boss. And still, any time Fitz wants to finger Olivia when she’s busy, he gives her this confused look that says, “Wait, you have a job?” I mean, he thinks she’d be happy making jam for fuck’s sake. If you have to constantly remind your man that you have a career, then he might make as bad of a President as he does a boyfriend.
5. He acts entitled to your time.
Maybe one of the reasons he doesn’t respect your work is because he assumes he gets to set your schedule. This is the kind of guy that will not respond to a text all day, and then hit you up after you already made plans with popcorn and wine. He is no popcorn and wine, ladies.
6. You’re mad at your dad and guess who he doesn’t like?
Having sex with a bad boy may be one of the most cliché ways to get back at your dad, but it’s also one of the most effective ones. Here’s the thing: you’ve already won by cutting this toxic family member out of your life (or in Olivia’s case, framed him for embezzlement) – you don’t have to keep sexing the dude just because you know it pisses him off. All this does is attach you to another asshole you’re eventually going to have to get rid of.
7. Your friends hate him.
If you’re lying to your only girlfriend (Abby) who doesn’t kill people (Quinn) about who you’re seeing, it can’t be good. Especially if that friend has seen it all, you should be able to tell her anything without judgement. (Especially if, like Abby, she’s dating a dude who’s into “dust-busting.”) If you can’t tell your pals about your man, that should tell you something.
8. His friends are turds.
What kind of grown man goes through friend-breakups? This guy does! It’s hard to distinguish between the friends he keeps close and the enemies he keeps closer, but they all have one thing in common — they’re all turds. Who he’s close to really depends on who keeps the stink off him the most, and that changes every few minutes. You know what that smells like? Bad news.
9. He’s bad at his job.
Power can be sexy but not when it’s attached to a pile of garbage. There’s nothing attractive about a person working their way up the company or country ladder if they’re going to straight up suck when they get there. To make matters worse, he expects you to clean up his professional messes because they inevitably become personal ones. Your problem-solving skills are on-point but he’s the last person who deserves access to them (see #4). That cape is for paying clients, loyal friends and rainy days.
10. You think you hear music when you see him, but really you’re just tuning him out when he talks.
We all know the music that plays when Fitz looks at Liv and how it was designed to break our hearts, but instead broke our brains. This song is not romantic, it is simply a more soothing form of manipulation designed to distract us from Fitz’s total pointlessness. If you’re hearing something similar in the presence of your guy, question what you’re tuning out. It’s likely a lot evidence pointing to signs 1-9. Here’s a quick fix: get a Fiona Apple song stuck in your head instead, and then dump the loser before “Scandal”‘s next episode.