You may envy the wild life of young, single men. You might imagine their escapades, that they sleep with a different woman every night. Maybe you remember sowing your own wild oats — or regret that you didn’t sow more while you had the chance.
But I have news for you: Research has shown that married men have significantly more sex than their single counterparts. Why? Well, my guess is that it’s simply a lot of work for a single man to repeatedly find a new sex partner. As a married man, on the other hand, you have (theoretically) a sexual partner by your side every day.
So, you may wonder, why you aren’t having more sex. If you’re a married man who has a home, a job, a kid or two, and a wife who also works, it is likely because stress is wearing you both out and pulling you apart. You, your wife, or both of you may feel that you’re so overwhelmed and exhausted that the last thing you want at the end of the day is sex.
Yet sexuality is a natural and essential part of intimate human partnerships. And men who have regular sexual release are healthier than those who don’t. So what can you do to create an atmosphere of greater intimacy and more sex?
Creating a climate for intimacy is easier than you might think. As I explain in 75 Habits for a Happy Marriage, small changes make a big difference. So here are five simple strategies to help you have more sex with your wife, starting today.
1. Do relaxing breathing twice a day — When men are stressed, their testosterone levels drop. And when their levels drop, they have a lower libido. Relaxing breaths reduce stress. Dr. Weil suggests doing a 4:7:8 breath four times, twice a day. Inhale through the nose to the count of 4. Hold your breath for the count of 7. And then exhale through your mouth to the count of 8.
2. Go to bed at the same time as your wife — This may seem like a no-brainer but the truth is that many couples develop chronic patterns of separate bed times. Doing so creates a climate of separateness and emotional distance. While going to bed together at night doesn’t ensure that you will actually have sex, it does begin to create an environment of closeness. Pick at least one or two nights a week when you always go to bed together. Start your bed time with spooning or snuggling and see where it leads.
3. Compliment and thank your wife every day — Nothing leads more to “come hither” than gratitude and compliments. Women — and men for that matter — want to be appreciated. They want to be noticed, admired, and complimented. When you saturate your relationship with gratitude and the good energy of appreciation, your wife can’t help but want to be close to you… in every way. Conversely, nothing leads more to “not tonight dear” or “I have a headache” than complaints. Don’t kill the mood with chronic criticisms. Keep the compliments flowing.
4. Make a date for sex and have it be a special evening — Many couples think it’s unromantic to plan a sex date. However, when life gets busy, spontaneity may never happen! Plan, anticipate and enjoy the wait. Hint at what you are looking forward to and build the anticipation. When the time comes, try showering together, lighting candles or massaging with lotion. Have a leisurely evening of sensuality. Women, in particular, enjoy the ritual and soft touch of romance.
5. Talk to your wife and listen! You might want to have sex in order to feel connected but guess what? Women want to feel connected in order to have sex. They want to know that they’re in a relationship that involves real emotional intimacy and sharing. Sex should be one part of a pattern of talking together, sharing ideas, hearing each other, spending time together, and having each other’s backs. And, for women, chatting reduces stress. You don’t need to solve her problems. In fact, you don’t really need to say much at all. Just spend a little time each day listening to the woman you love. Then watch her stress levels drop and her sense of connection to you skyrocket.
Use these five strategies to create more intimacy, more connection, more sizzle, and less stress in your marriage. Your wife will thank you and you’ll realize that those single men are the ones that ought to be dreaming about being a married guy just like you!
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