There once was a time when the mistresses of committed men stayed in the shadows and played their roles as the supplements to a man’s relationship in silence, but nowadays with an increased interest in these taboo relationships, “side chicks” (as we call them) sport their secondary positions loud and proud. With shows such as “Scandal”, “Mistresses” (this one did not last), “Being Mary Jane” and the countless amounts of Lifetime network shows giving these side unions a platform to shine, there is no wonder why so many women (and men) are now in constant debate about why these types of relationships are detrimental and downright disrespectful to the main union.
The subject that is rarely spoken about, however, is why these secondary relationships exist in the first place. The usual line that side chicks use as a defense in validating their roles when discovered by the main woman is, “If you were doing your job your man wouldn’t be with me,” and as silly as some women may think this sounds there is some validity to it.
In my role as a sexuality coach, I am often a confidant for married or committed men who have issues within their unions, and in the countless amounts of conversations that I have had with these unsatisfied men, I often get a clear perspective for why side chicks play a role (and sometimes major roles) in their lives. What I am about to say may hit home for some and offend others, but the truth is never pretty, now is it?
If you are losing out to the other woman, the truth is that you’re not holding up your end of the relationship contract. Every person is going to have a different set of rules that their relationship is based on, but in general, breakdowns within relationship contracts happen when:
- Sex becomes mundane
- Physical appearance begins to take a turn for the worse
- Sex becomes an obligated chore instead of an enjoyable time
- Communication breaks down
- Interest in what your partner values becomes non-existent
- Quality time becomes scarce
- Appreciation and admiration stops
- Affection is rarely shown
These are just a few of the reasons why side chicks are able to penetrate what many believe to be impenetrable relationships. Love is the card that many feel should trump any outside desires within a relationship, but a man can be in love and still have an attraction to other women (it’s instinctual and monogamy is a choice).
So the real question is, how do you do your part as the main player to avoid the possible interception by a side chick?
Remain in competition.
Remaining in competition doesn’t mean that you have to be jealous or constantly checking up on the next woman, but what it does mean is remaining consistent with how you started out in the relationship. Whatever attracted your man to you is what will keep him with you. Your bubbly personality and ability to be a great listener, your gorgeous skin, your toned body and delicious home cooked meals are all of the things that made him say, “I choose you.” A lack of care in appearance is the second most common issue I hear men state as a contribution to why they cheat. Caring for yourself as a woman and taking pride in your appearance exudes self love, and that love radiates and touches your partner as well. It can be a challenge when dealing with the issues of everyday life to stay in the game, but you have to ask yourself, “Am I doing as much as possible to give out what I’m am expecting back from my partner?” Its worth the effort to stay on point!
Keep your sex life interesting.
Bring out your sexual goddess and dust off those old tricks that made him go mad for you in the first place. Adding new sexual techniques and intimacy building exercises will give him something to look forward to as well. Buy some new toys, have sex in new places, let your imagination run wild! If you don’t know what your guy likes anymore, have a conversation about things that he would like to do. Realize that men have needs and if you aren’t meeting them, chances are he is either pleasuring himself or getting someone else to do it for him. Keep your bedroom hot for him, and he will have no reason to find a side chick to fulfill his sexual desires.
Make time to spend QUALITY time.
Being a career woman, a mother, finding time for self, balancing time with friends and family or a combination of all those things can make it difficult to take time out to spend some much needed quality time with your lover. Make the time to be in complete communion with your partner. No phones, no tablets, no phone calls, no social media; just time with your partner doing whatever it is you both enjoy together. Try doing something that he has an interest in for once. If he is a football fan and you aren’t so much, choose one day where you decide to put your disdain for the sport aside and surprise him with tickets to his favorite team’s home game. Men like surprises just as much a women do, especially when they are surprises that have their interests at the center.
During this time you can get to know things about your partner that you may have never known before by being completely in the moment and attentive to him. You would want him to do the same for you, so why not lead by example? Put effort into paying attention to your man during your quality time moments and you will see a difference in how deep your bond becomes.
Listen and take action.
Taking at least and hour out of your day to talk and listen to what his desires, dreams and fantasies are and giving positive feedback where needed will help with bonding you two closer together. Side chicks sit and listen to men complain about how unhappy they are in their relationships and soak up every bit of information about what those men are missing in their relationships and provide everything the main chick isn’t giving. If you take the time to listen to your partner and fix the areas that he believes can be improved, you won’t have to worry about another woman knowing how to please your man better than you. If you don’t want to lose to the side chick, listen to your man and take actions towards change! Compromise is necessary for any contract to work.
Visit the BlackDoctor.org Relationships center for more articles and tips.
For more advice and tips from Tyomi, click here.
November 19, 2014 //
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