Have you ever worn sunglasses in public in order to avoid people? You figure if you have the sunglasses on, people can’t see whether you’re looking at them or not. So, when an old acquaintance from high school spots you in the self check-out line at Costco and starts walking over to ask you unnecessary questions about your personal life, you can walk away pretending you never saw her because, well, you had your sunglasses on.
This is how I avoid people. Why do I do this, you ask? Sometimes, people say things that piss me off and I just don’t want to deal with it. Unless it’s your BFF or you are blood relatives, there are some things you should just keep inside your head. Especially when it comes to asking a 20-something about her love life. Here are eight questions you should probably NOT ask a 20-something who is in a relationship, and not engaged or married.
1. Do you think you guys will get married? Hmm, I don’t know. What do YOU think?Do you think I’m going to say no? Why would I still be dating this person if I didn’t see a future with them? But then, like, do you want me to say yes? Because what if I secretly don’t think we’re going to get married, but I can’t admit it to myself yet? Or what if THEY secretly don’t want to marry me? Or marry anyone at all? Or what if I don’t want to get married, at all, ever? The answer to this question is most likely going to be “I don’t know.” I mean, it’s either you get an “IDK” or someone flat out tells you “no.” Then what do you say? “WHY?” Ugh. Just don’t ask!
2. Do you use condoms? I’m sorry, what? Why do you care? If I say yes, are you going to tell me what I’m missing? And if I say no, are you going to berate me for not using protection and tell me that I could get pregnant? Don’t you think I already know that?
3. Is he/she “the one?” Are they? I don’t know. What does that even mean, anyway? With such a high divorce rate these days, there’s not necessarily “one” person involved in everyone’s life anymore. And even if you THINK your significant other is in fact “the one” (I say think because you can’t actually KNOW), are you supposed to say yes? Because what if they break up with you, leaving you not only shocked and saddened, but also looking like a complete and total idiot?
4. When are you moving in together? Oh, are we moving in together? Because I didn’t know we were. Unless you hear that so-and-so signed a lease, don’t ask someone when they’re moving in with their significant other. ESPECIALLY if they are standing next to each other when you ask. What if one feels differently about the act of moving in together than the other? What if one is actually planning to end the relationship that night? You never know. So don’t ask.
5. What would you do if you got pregnant right now? So, like, this is not anything I want to think about. At least not right now. And maybe never. If I say “get an abortion,” would you tell me I’m too old? If I say “have the baby,” would you tell me I’m too immature and poor and self-centered to raise a child right now? Maybe I could say “have the baby and then give it up for adoption,” but, like, would I really do that? Would I even be THINKING of the possibility of doing that? If you ask this question, you will most likely find that the person doesn’t know what they would do if they got pregnant right now. They just have their fingers crossed that a couple ounces of red will pop up down there once a month for a few days, unless they’re on that birth control where you get your period four times a year, which would definitely make me freak out every day. That’s some scary stuff right there.
6. Where’s the ring? The ring is like the limit in Mean Girls — it does not exist. The ring is none of your business. It’s not like I’m going to buy myself a ring (unless it’s from Francesca’s or Forever 21). Someone else may or may not buy one for me one day, and whether they do or don’t is not my choice. If I knew where “the ring” was, I would either already be engaged OR I would know something I’m not supposed to know, because isn’t an engagement ring supposed to be a surprise?
7. When would you get engaged? So, umm, do I have a say in this? Do I get to tell someone when and where they will propose to me? Am I proposing to myself? No? OK, that’s what I thought. I’m not Miranda from “Sex and the City.” I don’t plan to casually ask a dude to marry me over a cup of hot coffee. I don’t even drink hot coffee. So, when would I get engaged? I don’t know. I can say “next year.” I can say “three years.” But what if no one asks me? What if I’m not even in a relationship in a year? What if I don’t even WANT to get engaged? You just opened up a whole can of questions that us women can’t even answer — because of the 90% of us who will actually get engaged one day, we’re not going to propose to our future husbands.
8. Why aren’t you engaged yet? Really? REALLY?! This is where you should draw the line. Like, am I supposed to be engaged already? Because last time I checked I was 25, broke, and drunk. Is there a date and time where all women are supposed to get engaged by? Some people might claim ‘yes,’ but, UMM, no. Not everyone even gets married. And if you do decide to take the plunge, no need to rush. When it happens, it will happen. You can’t force fate.
Just because a 20-something is in a relationship, it doesn’t mean they’re on the same wavelength as you. Or the 23-year-old who’s married with two kids. Or the 28-year-old who still blacks out four nights a week and has never been in a serious relationship. We’re all different. We all have different “life timelines” in our heads. So, as I said before, unless you’re super close with someone, keep these private questions to yourself. Especially when drunk. Feelings come out when drunk. And we all know you don’t REALLY care what our answers to these questions are, so why ask in the first place?