By Tyomi Morgan –blackdoctor.org
For all the men in the world wondering why so many black women are closed off to the idea of trying new and daring sexual acts in the bedroom, your answer is finally here! This post is dedicated to the many men that struggle with getting their significant other to try something different.
Fellas, you may be with a woman that isn’t open to trying any new positions beyond missionary, and she for sure would never consider having sex on anything besides a bed inside of your bedroom. This type of unwillingness to explore is all due to a mentality called the “good girl syndrome.”
How It Starts
Growing up, every woman is taught by the elder women in her family that being a “good girl” is the best way to be. Good girls sit with their legs closed and crossed. Good girls don’t hit people. Good girls don’t get their clothes dirty. Good girls say ‘Please’ and ‘Thank You’ and are always polite and accommodating. Good girls don’t use profanity.
Good girls don’t let mannish boys touch them inappropriately. When sex comes into the picture, good girls don’t sleep around. Good girls don’t play rough in bed. Good girls don’t perform oral sex. Good girls don’t have sex in open places. Good girls don’t have anal sex. Good girls definitely don’t have threesomes or use toys in the bedroom. Good girls do not touch themselves or masturbate.
All of the forbidden sexual acts that good girls are told to stay away from are often seen as acts that only “loose women” would participate in. Those that participate in these acts are often placed in the category of “whores” and looked down upon in community circles.
The “good girl syndrome” transforms good little girls into well-rounded and polished women who often possess great moral values and high self esteem, which are great qualities to have, however, there is a bit of rigidity that develops. Activities such as sex often become very robotic and routine, sometimes only participated in as an act of obligation and not an act of enjoyment.
These women go on to become great wives and nurturing mothers with equally positive careers, but often find themselves unsatisfied within the bedroom and also leave their male partners unsatisfied.
The “good girl syndrome” stifles a woman’s desire to explore sexually, making her believe that stepping outside of the set boundaries will place her into the category of being a whore, and no woman wants to be labeled as a woman that is considered dirty or a untamed. Women stuck in this mindset constantly judge themselves during sex and become uncomfortable when the mere suggestion of anything outside of the accepted “sexual normality” is mentioned.
What Can You Do?
So how can you help a woman break out of the “good girl syndrome”?
- Realize that she will have to come into the desire to explore her sexuality on her own. If you push the issue and make the exploration process seem more about you getting what you want than the both of your pursuing the journey of discovery together, then she will shut down.
- Make her feel comfortable with the idea of opening up by securing her trust. She wants to know that whatever you two do stays between you two and doesn’t get out to your boys. She also wants to know that you aren’t going to classify her as easy or “freak nasty” after performing something out of her normal routine. Remember, the “good girl” doesn’t want to be viewed as bad.
- Be patient, non-judgmental and encouraging. This breaking down of old ways of thinking is a process and there won’t be a 180 turn around overnight.