Mother/Sister Nature has a way of keeping everything in perspective—in balance.
Nights give way to the morning sun. Winter gives way to summer.
And for every bow-legged, college-degreed brother who walks in God’s shadow, there is a knocked-kneed, educated, virgin–soul mate–ready to complete his circle and anchor a nuclear family.
That could be a bit of a stretch. But you get my point.
While data confirms a slight disparity of marriageable brothers at the top and middle socioeconomic tiers, the field is more equally balanced in the bottom ranks (probably 66%).
That’s taking into consideration that nearly one-third of the sisters have nothing to offer other than non-committed sex.
In other words, if you assume one-third of the brothers have something to offer other than sperm, the field is pretty much equal when you eliminate the ‘Neckbones’ of either gender.
Obviously, I’m traveling down a slippery slope. But blame it on radio talk show host Sherwin Hughes, who riled up the discontented sisters last week through his discussion on the ‘shortage’ of brothers for available (and educated) Black women.
Sherwin offered statistics ranging from a slight disparity to the Atlanta scenario he mentioned on his show, with 10 sisters to every six men.
I assume those statistics were linked to ‘marriageable mates’ and not whether the government will soon have to draft Black women for the next war to make up for a shortage of expendable brothers.
But Atlanta is an anomaly, as it is home to an array of colleges that attach sisters with marriage and careers in mind.
Many who don’t find a comparable mate in college find themselves sorting through a smaller pool of equally yoked men.
Yet, away from the downtown campuses, it’s a different story. When you focus on low-income or ‘Neckbones’ subscribing to the Culture of Poverty, it’s a different story in Atlanta and elsewhere around the country.
Thus, in totality, the numbers—and assumptions of shortages across the spectrum–are, at the very least, as misleading as Donald Trump’s belief that he is a solution to America’s ills.
What sisters with paper and purpose surmise as shortages are solely restricted to their socioeconomic groups—assuming they are unwilling to marry ‘down’ for a good man.
At the community—or ghetto level—where 74% of the households are headed by a sister with children, most of whom are poor of mind and pocket, the landscape is far less rocky—albeit full of quicksand.
In fact, for the working brothers without a criminal record…or children, there might be a shortage of available sisters once you eliminate the Neckbones, who bring nothing to the table besides children, bad attitudes, and debt.
In other words, just as the overused–albeit fabricated—statistic that there are more brothers in prison than in college, there is also an unacknowledged misconception that there is a vast pool of quality sisters within the ‘Culture of Poverty.’
It ain’t so.
While we rarely discuss it, the ‘Culture of Poverty’—‘Neckbonology’—has increasingly dominated our community.
Again, ‘Mother Nature’ has intervened, and it’s not a sunny picture.
She’s balanced the availability pool by taking many sisters off the marriage/mate list, even if they don’t recognize it themselves.
And single parenthood is not the disqualifying factor.
I’ve been married twice, both times to queens with children. But they had a different mindset and came with aspirations and a belief in God.
In fact, I was a single parent myself; so to suggest I had a problem with a sister with children would be blatant hypocrisy on my part.
I remarried—giving up my ‘whorish’ lifestyle—in part because I understood the advantages of a nuclear family ruled by a good woman, not only for myself, but my children.
Moreover, I benefitted greatly from having a spiritual structure, with bonus children who gave me purpose and substance.
Indeed, the truth of the matter is that finding a sister without children these days is about as rare as finding a 20-year-old virgin.
But brothers I have spoken with over the last month said there is a specific number of children (two) that a potential mate can have. Anything more than the preferred number will not work. Brothers will avoid women with more than two children like someone would avoid spoiled green tomatoes.
“Nearly all the brothers I talked with at the summit said they could identify a ‘Neckbone’ (my contribution to the American dialect) within a few seconds.She’s the one with 18-inch eyelashes, purple wigs running down to the floor, tight-fitting clothes that expose ‘opportunity,’ and expensive nails she can’t afford. Ask her how her child is doing in school or what she learned at a PTA conference, and the conversation turns south.”
A sister with two different sperm donors presents obstacles many brothers don’t want to accept.
Three children by three different men brings with it questions about morality and promiscuity that does not bode well. And that’s not even addressing concerns about baby-daddy drama or toxic familial problems.
Those were among the most frequently espoused commentaries offered during my ‘research’ on this issue, highlighted by ‘interviews’ during the recent Fatherhood Summit.
All the brothers I talked to were fathers, suggesting a level of pretense with their testimony.
But conversely, by virtue of their being at an event to strengthen their relationships and fatherhood skills, the brothers are two levels above what I refer to as ‘disconnected sperm donors’—male ‘Neckbones.’
If you eliminate the sisters with little-to nothing to offer, save for debt, a ready-made family, lousy grammar, wigs, weaves, and four-inch eyelashes, the field is limited, I was told.
And since uninhibited sex is seemingly offered as the ‘new greeting card,’ few unattached brothers focus on anything beyond that.
As one brother explained, “I don’t want to sound like a hypocrite, but I can hook up with a (woman) every night; it’s become that easy.
“(But) generally, she’s not the one I would think about (a long-term relationship). I want the woman who is looking for more and who doesn’t look at sex as a sport.”
The brother, a felon who turned his life around and recently started a business, said he ‘dates’ frequently but has not encountered anyone he would feel comfortable introducing to his parents.
Said another brother, “Seems like that’s all I run into,” he offered, “women with drama who are looking for help— financially—because they don’t aspire toward anything beyond motherhood and being dependent.”
Nearly all the brothers I talked with at the summit said they could identify a ‘Neckbone’ (my contribution to the American dialect) within a few seconds.
She’s the one with 18-inch eyelashes, purple wigs running down to the floor, tight-fitting clothes that expose ‘opportunity,’ and expensive nails she can’t afford.
Ask her how her child is doing in school or what she learned at a PTA conference, and the conversation turns south.
“I judge a (woman) on how she cares for her children,” the brother said.
“If she isn’t engaged in the child’s education and sees no problem smoking weed with them, there’s no way I’m going to tackle that.
“And there are many (women) who fit that bill.
While acknowledging socioeconomic status is not an indicator of potential, most brothers surmise that a sister’s cultural foundation is essential.
“There’s a lot of THOTS out here,” another brother said. “I’m not a prize, but I want more than to share nothing.”
A female volunteer manning one of the information tables, who had listened in on our conversation, stressed disappointment in the brother’s comments but agreed the disparities are not as severe among lower income.
While many young sisters are victims of circumstance or products of their environment and generational poverty, there are many who, by their actions and lack of morality, take themselves off the market.
She blamed the problem on government policies, dating back to slavery, where Black men were ostracized and made impotent.
As a result, there are too many “women who think they are men.”
Hmmmm.
I can’t put a finger on when our culture was turned upside down,where gender roles were reversed,and the Black nuclear family conceptleft drowning in a sea of dysfunctionality.
But I can posit that we were betteroff during my youth when 78% of thehouseholds were nuclear—two parents with two and-a-half children—(versus 27% today), we viewedourselves as po’ instead of poor, andfamilies lived under the tenets oftheir religion.
Today, there are two—maybethree—overlapping cultural paradigms. While gender disparities existin the top two tiers, the field is balanced in the third.
Here again, ‘Madame Nature’ hasfigured out a way to keep things inbalance when it comes to relationships. While data suggests most (themajority) of low-income tribalmembers will never marry or evenco-habitate, a respectable percentagewill overcome those socioeconomicobstacles to take the marital journeyto family development, and economic stability.
I saw a tee-shirt online that said: “Iasked God to make me a betterman…And he sent my wife…”
Unfortunately, I don’t know howmany brothers of modest means, butgood heart and purpose, think inthose terms nowadays. Nor are thereenough sisters of equal purpose andmorality to change what is quicklybecoming Sodom and Gomorrah.
I do hope that Mother Nature willsort through this sad reality show before Father Time catches up to herand the Black community is, likeLots’ wife when she looked backlongingly at the city of sin, reducedto a pile of salt.
Hotep.
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